March So Far

-Stop asking me why I’m not married or why I’m not getting married soon. You’re only 7 but this is why I’m putting you to bed early. Marriage is not everything. In fact, if you turn out anything like your dad, you won’t be getting married for a while either.

-This is a gym. For working out. You’ve been here for over an hour and you haven’t done anything but sit on the workout bench and watch TV. You’re creeping me out but since you’re old, no one is going to say anything. I want to say something. You’re kind of hot for a guy in his 70s.

-This was an interesting date. Was it a date? I hope you don’t ask me out again because you’re way too nice and way too Jewish. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?

-I am so glad that you’re gone and back in rehab. I hope you don’t come back for a really long time and I hope that when you do I can forgive you and we can be sisters again. Right now, I still hate you.

-Please give me another chance because you’re amazing and I’m so so so sorry for what I did and if I were you I wouldn’t give me another chance but please. I lied when I said I just wanted to catch up. You must know that. I’m an awful liar. Truth is that I want to catch up… naked. Badly. And I want to go back to before and why can’t I tell you this? Why are you consuming my thoughts now of all times? Is this punishment for how things ended? We never should have gone to dinner. I have stupid ideas. I should have called when I got back. I'm going to continue being your friend but I can't eat sushi now because I think of you... naked... and my poor decision making.

-I cannot believe your life is advancing and mine is not. When did this all happen?

-I am pissed off at you! Of course you want me to respond and say it’s ok, I’m not pissed. I understand that you’re busy. But I am pissed.

-When she’s over and I’m sitting on the couch next to you and you elbow me when she says something ridiculous, I feel like we’re on the same team and you are a little less disappointed that I didn’t turn out the way you wanted.

-Drugs don’t make you gay, dumbass. You can’t seriously think this, can you? And we’re related. Seriously?!

-I am so happy that you guys are my parents. You will never understand how happy I am. I am so happy that all of the sudden I do feel sorry for having sex in your bed and I am the one that broke the vent when you guys were in LA.

-I have to scratch my left boob so badly that I can hardly stand it. Please stop talking. Please end this meeting. Are we really having a meeting to prepare for another meeting? Really? All I hear you say is blahblahblah. I can’t stop thinking about my boob. I am writing this down on my legal pad instead of taking notes about the importance of our department. I want to scratch my boob.

February

-We should have just stayed friends… maybe with benefits… I didn’t ever really want to date you; I just wanted you to do that thing.

-Why can’t you do it? It takes you more time to email me and ask me to do it for you then it does for you to do it.

-HOT BOWL OF SEX SOUP in the conference room. Hot, hot, hot. I get to train your hotness. This is what I thought until you stood up. Sit down, Mr. Sex Soup. You’ll have better luck with the ladies.

-I am so happy we’re friends. I wish I had feelings for you because we’d have a great relationship and everything would be pie except I don’t. I love you though as a friend more than ever.

-Yes, I am Jewish. I don’t understand why you’re surprised. I know other blonde Jews. I know Jews with perfect noses. For Jesus’ sake, I know Jews who are black. I know you think it’s funny to ask me if I’m really Jewish (at a Jewish event), but it’s not. I’ve heard enough of it. I want to tell you all this but I just smile because you’re obviously not smart enough to perpetuate the stereotype the Jews are intelligent. Are you really Jewish?

-I am smarter than you but your salary is higher. This is why I spend so much time reading CNN and MSN articles when I should be working on a project that you’ll probably claim as your own.

-Why did you erase my wall post? Damn you, facebook.

-Fucking birthday. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m 27. Why is this bothering me?

-You have no idea how much your emails help me get through the day. Why weren’t we friends before??

January

-I hate my life right now.

-I should call him. I should call him and tell him life sucks right now and that’s why I didn’t call him when I came back from Israel. I should tell him.

-Adobe Pro is not a magic genie. It can’t make your shitty file look better and it takes me at least an hour to manipulate this giant file that you stupidly accepted from Singapore. Who does that? Who gave you your marketing degree?

-Why do you think that everything is supposed to be a certain way? It’s not. This is why you’ve never been in a real relationship.

-I need a therapist.

-I hate the idea that you have children because you’re passing on your idiotic, racist ideas to them and it’s disgusting. Why are you sharing your idiotic, racist ideas with me, the single minority in the office?

-I’m not that judgmental, but you are an adult and must know that your spelling is awful and your texts make me gag and why are you texting me in the middle of the night in the middle of the week?

-This is not working. I should end it. This was a stupid decision. Shit.

-You’re married. Stop.

-OMG, you’re married too. What the hell?

December

-I am not good enough for you and you’re going to figure this out way too soon.

-I am so glad that I’m not going to be in the office for Christmas. The gladness is overwhelming.

-I just got hit on and slightly groped by a food service worker at JFK. I kind of enjoyed it considering I’ve been flying all day and I look like shit. I may have a narcissistic disorder.

-I kind of dig the airline food on Swiss Air. I like how everything is individually wrapped and I can’t really identify what things are but they taste interesting.***

-I am an Israel and I feel nothing yet. When is it going to hit me? Are other people thinking this?***

-Being back sucks. You will never be able to understand how much it sucks. When will this feeling go away so I can enjoy my life again?

-You make me wish I was a lesbian and I can’t stop staring at you and while I really like guys, I really like you except I could never sleep with a girl.

***I had a lot of inappropriate thoughts that I wanted to write down while in Israel but I was too busy to write them in my journal of thoughts and some of them I’m embarrassed that I even thought….

November

-You’re moving way to fast for me and while I like you, I need you to slow down but not too much.

-You give awful massages. Just stop.

-You just met my mom is the worst way possible and I want to tell you why she was even here but I can’t get the words out because I’m scared you’ll stop liking me or worse, that I’m a victim.

-I wish you would come back to St. Louis and save me. I should have told you the whole story. I could never live in DC.

-I need you to just be there. You don’t need to plan anything at all.

-Let’s clarify our relationship because I have no idea what I’m doing or what we’re doing but I don’t want to be the one to ask for clarification because I’m dating someone else and I don’t want to choose… yet. Are you dating someone else?

-More sex. More, more, more.

-You look amazing naked. Please don’t put your clothes back on. Please don't get out of bed.

-I’m glad you didn’t show up to Thanksgiving. It was better because you weren’t there.

October

This could be considered dangerous. If you think it’s about you, it’s not. Well maybe not.

I come up with the greatest things to say an hour after a meeting/situation/fight/etc. If I had to go back, 75% of the time I would have said them. As for the other 25%- it's prolly a good idea that I never said them as my life is already like a barometer of various degrees of dysfunction.

-This is my first date in 3 ½ years (whoa! I had been with the same person for 3 ½ years. I still can’t believe that.!) and it was fantastic. If only you were 8 years younger at the minimum, didn’t have 3 kids, and were 2 inches taller. If only… You could teach a class on how to have a fantastic first date.

-I am never going to sleep with you. But I like our dates.

-I want to push you down, old lady at the salad bar. Move your saggy ass. Standing there is not going to make the purple cabbage look any fresher.